Embracing Quiet

"Being “quiet” is often synonymous with weakness. It’s an unfortunate misconception. To be quiet is not to be weak, weird, or backward. It does not mean rude, disengaged, or not a team player. However, for many introverts, “quiet” is mistaken for just that.

 Quiet most likely means observing, listening, thinking, and processing. Sadly, others usually do not think this is the case. The person sitting across from them in a meeting or group discussion, not saying anything, may just not have anything to say at the moment. In fact, if you ask that quiet person to quickly develop a response, they may start to panic. Or they may become even quieter due to the pressure.

 Yet, if given time to reflect or prepare, that quiet person may respond differently. As a teacher, I’ve seen many introverted students give thoughtful, intelligent responses—when they are given time. And if the topic is something they’re passionate about, you may wish they’d go back to being quiet." - Carissa Holloway

 I know in school people would tell me I was intimidating or closed off because I only felt really comfortable talking around my best friends. They would say I was "hard to read" and "stuck-up" becuase I didn't smile and participate in lively conversations. I'm working on being more friendly but it's a challenge, especially when it drains me of energy. I'm an ambivert, somewhere in between extroversion and introversion, I'm quiet most often but can find myself in a mood to be obnoxious and loud. It's a constant battle to balance my blanket personality and the person I am expected to be. 

When I am observing a conversation with casual friends or aquantiances (not best friends) I find it hard to input my opinion. There is a natural flow between poeple in a group talking, but when I wanted to speak I couldn't find the right moment to interject without cutting somebody off or being too quiet to be heard. It is frustrating and difficult, and leaves me feeling left out of the conversation even when I know what I could say. Most of the time though, I have nothing "intelligent" to say or to add to the conversation so I reman observant and attentive to those speaking.

 Over my high school career I realized I would never be the girl who was friends with everyone. I wanted to have my best friends, but have friends I could hang out with and not feel awkward, however this didn't happen. I could be friendly to others and really enjoyed their company but it was awkward, and they usually left me becuase the silence would grow to be too much. I also realized that I didn't want to be friends with everyone, some people are just not healthy to be around and some just don't mix with my personality. I had my small group of best friends and I have found that it is enough!

Yes, at parties or big gatherings I feel exposed and awkward without a best friend with me and no one I can rely on to hang with me. There are people I would like to be with, but I would have to go way beyond my comfort zone to do so since they'd be flanked by all of their best friends and such. I don't like to bother people and I do hate asking for things. I hate getting answers wrong in class because I put thought into answering a question only to be rejected and feel embarrased, especially when I don't talk much anyway and the one thing I do say is wrong or stupid.

 I am a work in progess ;)

 I used to go back and forth between wanting to change my personality or trying to accept my personality. I am now happy with who I am! Don't worry about that :) but I felt like I needed to explain myself so years down the road people wouldn't say "I thought you hated me." It's happended before. Really I do love people, and I love watching all the excitement but that's really what I enjoy doing, observing and listening.

I love parties and being involved, it makes me happy, but I do like to escape to the back of the crowd at times just to be myself while still being invited and wanted. I'm still learning to make friends and I do try to be more open. I am learning to balance my extroverted tendencies/desires with my introverted abilities and comfort zone!

 My strength is being quiet, I can observe a situation and help solve issues that I see, I listen to people and empathize with them, I feel involved when I can simply sit in on group a coversation without being shoed away and without needing to add my opinion. What I once hated about myself, I now understand and am willing to embrace it!!